K1

Do you have abnormally high levels of testosterone?

Eww. What’s that like for you?

Also, I bet racing is a thing you enjoy.

At K1, you can race your friends in tiny cars (It’s like living in Italy, but with less pasta).

Bring your own helmet, or you get to wear this.

The lowest pack of races you can get is $40. You go around the track a lot of times and then find out which one of you is the slowest. Then, you go around the track a lot of times again, but this time there’s a winner. Hurray!

My only experience with tiny cars is from that of the ‘bumper’ variety. So, it makes no sense to me why bumping is not allowed at K1. There certainly are sufficient bumpers on them… But man do those guys get all annoyed when you try to ram your step dad off the track. They hold up their little sign, all arrogant, “NO BUMPING.” Jerks.

Look at that step dad... he's asking for it.

The cars themselves are a little confusing because of the addition of brake pedal. It’s hard to operate the brakes with my left foot and the gas with my right. I felt like Walter Jr., only less handsome. How the heck does he do it?

The scenery is super repetitive.

One cannot order a beer in the facility, apparently it’s against the law to drink and drive tiny vehicles with giant bumpers on a monitored track. How do they think we get ourselves to and from bars?

At the end of the race, the winners are presented with medals, given supermodel brides, and invited to meet the president. I hate the winners so much.

"Here's to manliness!"

Trampoline World

“You know, if we lived on a bigger planet and then visited Earth, it would feel like Trampoline World everywhere. PERSPECTIVE.”

Phones are not allowed = no personal pics.

So, some guy was like, “Ugh, if only I could throw my stupid kid on our family trampoline and he wouldn’t just roll off the other side… My wife and I would fight way less.” And that is the totally factually accurate way that Sky High (which I will henceforth refer to as Trampoline World because I like it better) came into existence.

It’s basically a big warehouse, sectioned off into different zones of trampoline-ing. There is the children’s area (not gonna lie, there were some creepers milling about), the bounce, bounce, land in pit of soft foam cubes (and never ever escape) runway, the dodge ball + trampolines = even more dangerous arena, and the general room full of trampolines.

Before entering the fun zone, one must sign a liability form. They insist you do NOT try tricks that are past your skill level (but then how will I learn?!). And, since my skill level is -3, I mostly ran back and forth in the big, generic trampoline room and pretended I was stuck on fast-forward.

Oh, and you may bounce barefoot or in shoes. BUT YOU MAY NOT BOUNCE IN SOCKS! FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS DO NOT BOUNCE IN SOCKS. SOMETHING TERRIBLE AND UNFORSEEN WILL HAPPEN. THINGS WILL NOT END WELL FOR ALL INVOLVED.

Employees, I presume.

One pays for an hour ($10) of access into the warehouse at a time. What? Only an hour? Oh, trust me, Little One, an hour is plenty of time to collect an injury and ashamedly pretend you’re not crying while every member of the staff of teenagers (“Happy 20^th birthday Brittany! Here’s your cake, now pack up your locker for you are no longer welcome here.”) shuffle by and offer to bring you ice (it’s such an automatic response for the employees, that I imagine before every shift the manager forces them into roll play exercises where the correct thing to do is ALWAYS offer ice. “Okay, Kimme, you’re turn. Ouch I stubbed my toe.” “Let me get you some ice.” “GREAT JOB, Kimme! Now, Tyler, you’re turn. Oh, no! My dignity is bruised.” “Can I get you some ice?” “Oh, so close, Tyler. Remember not ask if they need ice, assume they need ice. ICE! ICE! ICE! Ice…”).

You will get hurt. There’s no “maybe” about it. If you visit Trampoline World you will become injured somehow. Whether it be from rolling an ankle (Nikki), throwing your arm out playing dodge ball (Kc), being sore the next few weeks (James (I’m assuming)), or good ol’ trampoline-burn (yours truly), pain will find you and claim you for his own.

Hey, but bouncing is way cool.

Jolly Holiday Bakery Cafe

"Oh, it's a jolly holiday with Mary
No wonder that it's Mary that we love!
Now then what'd be nice
We'll start with raspberry ice
And then some cakes and tea
Order what you will
There'll be no bill
It's complimentary"

"May I take your coat?"

That’s right, Disney drew inspiration from a tiny part of a movie made almost 50 years ago to create a brand new themed restaurant: the Jolly Holiday Bakery Café! Is it a bakery? Yes. Is it a café? Yes. Is it complimentary? No. WHAT?! Liars!

This place is practically perfect in every way. It fits right into Main Street. It’s hard to imagine that it hasn’t been there since Marry Poppins was the latest and greatest thing to come out of their production company. This bakery/café is the restaurant we never knew Disneyland was missing.

Designed by my friend’s mother (yeah, I know people), the Mary Poppins inspired restaurant is simple, adorable, and full of great details that subtly contribute to the ambiance. PENGUIN. STAINED. GLASS.

It looks just like the REAL fake Matterhorn!

It’s another stand-in-line-then-order-then-take food-with-you-to-table-style establishments. But, while one stands in line, one can look at the glistening case full of special sweets that are only available here. Matterhorn Macaroon? Yeah, okay!

It’s a basic café menu: Soups, Salads, & Sandwiches. But, new to Disneyland is this restaurant's seasonal menu. Some of the items will be year round, but others will rotate through.

Unfortunately, it is still theme park food. But, with a spoon full of sugar…

According to my sources, this is a coincidence.