K1

Do you have abnormally high levels of testosterone?

Eww. What’s that like for you?

Also, I bet racing is a thing you enjoy.

At K1, you can race your friends in tiny cars (It’s like living in Italy, but with less pasta).

Bring your own helmet, or you get to wear this.

The lowest pack of races you can get is $40. You go around the track a lot of times and then find out which one of you is the slowest. Then, you go around the track a lot of times again, but this time there’s a winner. Hurray!

My only experience with tiny cars is from that of the ‘bumper’ variety. So, it makes no sense to me why bumping is not allowed at K1. There certainly are sufficient bumpers on them… But man do those guys get all annoyed when you try to ram your step dad off the track. They hold up their little sign, all arrogant, “NO BUMPING.” Jerks.

Look at that step dad... he's asking for it.

The cars themselves are a little confusing because of the addition of brake pedal. It’s hard to operate the brakes with my left foot and the gas with my right. I felt like Walter Jr., only less handsome. How the heck does he do it?

The scenery is super repetitive.

One cannot order a beer in the facility, apparently it’s against the law to drink and drive tiny vehicles with giant bumpers on a monitored track. How do they think we get ourselves to and from bars?

At the end of the race, the winners are presented with medals, given supermodel brides, and invited to meet the president. I hate the winners so much.

"Here's to manliness!"